Princess Agents 特工皇妃楚喬傳
Chatper 109: I Can't Do It
In a cave the trio did their best to gather some dry firewood. Outside, the rainstorm continued to pour. After they started a fire, the cave finally had a slight pulse of warmth.
The three took off their top layers of clothing and propped them up against the fire.
The night's massacre had made them all exhausted, and even the child, who sat there quietly holding his knees, said nothing.
Chu Qiao's expression was calm as the child leaned against her, his little back tiny and thin. In that moment she seemed to be thinking, and then again, perhaps she was thinking nothing at all. She simply sat there, her head leaning against the cold stone wall.
Zhuge Yue seemed unable to tolerate such awkward silence and low spirits. His brows locked together and finally made some noise as he was getting up, saying in a deep voice, "The firewood is almost gone. I'll go out and find some more." Then he abruptly went out.
"Zhuge Yue!"
Chu Qiao was suddenly alarmed and called out loud.
Zhuge Yue was a bit surprised, and turned around, and looked at her strangely, "What is it?"
"No…nothing," Chu Qiao looked slightly flustered, and promptly shook her head. "It's nothing."
Zhuge Yue ticked an eyebrow upward, and said curiously, "You're all right? You aren't hurt, are you?"
Chu Qiao pulled a weak smile and said, "Really, I'm fine."
Zhuge Yue gave her a nod, "Just wait here." As he was about to leave he turned around again and firmly urged her, "Look after the little brat, don't…don't wander off."
"Mm," Chu Qiao nodded and smiled, "Just go."
Zhuge Yue turned and left, but just as he took the first two steps, Chu Qiao called after him again, "Wait."
Zhuge Yue stood still and watched Chu Qiao take a few steps forward, placing the Breaking Moon sword in Zhuge Yue's hands, and then quickly inspected his wounds to make sure they weren't serious, then looked at him with bright eyes, saying softly, "Be careful."
Zhuge Yue immediately froze in place, staring at Chu Qiao bewildered for a moment, then nodded his head and left the cave, his face without expression.
But just as he left the cave the man's lips immediately showed the hint of a smile, as if he couldn't hold it in anymore. He rubbed his nose in a childlike manner, the lines of his face gradually softening, his eyes bright. (TN: so sweet, and so sad...)
Zhuge Yue had already gone a ways out, and Chu Qiao was still standing in place. Her look was a bit strange, as if she was really exhausted and also carried an air of extreme guilt.
She sat back by the fire and touched the child's head, whispering, "You're called Mo'er, right?"
The child noted but didn't say anything.
"You feel really sad, don't you?"
The child still did not speak and Chu Qiao faintly sighed, and softly embraced the child's little body, and said quietly, "I know, this is all very hard for you."
A teardrop suddenly fell, dripping onto the back of Chu Qiao's hand, and the child sobbed, sang in intermittent breaths, "Star…Little…Star…."
Chu Qiao's heart felt an instant grief, thinking of the little girl with the brilliant smile, and she felt as if she had taken a knife to the heart.
"Mo'er, do you hate those people?"
The child perhaps still didn't know the meaning of that word, but he immediately held his fist tight and said with some vehemence, "Mo'er will grow up quickly, I will learn kung fu the same as Uncle's, and then I will kill those bad guys."
Chu Qiao suddenly didn't know what to say. What could she say? That hate breeds more hate? That force cannot solve everything? She didn't even dare look into the child's eyes. She could not stop her hand from trembling, and the pain in her heart was so very, very deep.
She could only gently pat the child's shaking back, choking back her sobs as she nodded, "Then you must work very hard. Even if you cannot kill your enemies, you must still protect yourself."
"Mo'er will definitely kill them!" The child raised a fist in determination and then turned his head, innocently staring at Chu Qiao, "Big Sister, will you teach Mo'er your skills?"
Chu Qiao laughed bitterly and said, "In the future, you must obediently follow that Uncle, listen to everything he says, and be a good boy. He will take care of you, and he will teach you all of his skills."
The child blinked, then hit the nail on the head with his pointed question, "Then, what about you, Big Sister?"
Chu Qiao was momentarily dumbfounded, but took a deep breath, and pretended to be relaxed as she answered, "If I have the chance, I will come back and see Mo'er."
The child was truly intelligent, he was immediately surprised at her answer and clutched at her sleeve tightly, then asked loudly, "You're leaving?"
Chu Qiao shook her head and held the child's little body, as if trying to convey something to him without speaking, or perhaps she was trying to convey something to herself. Her tone was extremely gentle as she said, "Mo'er, you are very unfortunate, but you are also very fortunate. Your parents died at the hands of others, and your enemies are extremely powerful. It would be impossible for you to fight against them. Originally, you were also going to die, but someone was willing to keep you. Even though your home is gone, from here on out there will still be someone to take care of you and protect you. From this point of view, you are extremely fortunate.
"But there is someone in this world who is even more unfortunate than you. His enmity is even deeper than yours, his enemies are even more powerful than yours, and he endured many years of humiliation to carry out his plan. There was no one who wanted to help him, he could only work hard on his own as others bullied and insulted him. So, his heart carries more grief than yours."
Chu Qiao smiled quietly, her hand rested on the child's head. Her smile was so kind, and so extremely compassionate as she said, "So, no matter what you do in the future, Big Sister will always forgive you because I know what you have gone through, I know why you have become what you are today. But in the future when you make a mistake, I will find a way to stop you."
"Big Sister," the child declared loudly, "Mo'er will not make mistakes, I will listen to whatever Big Sister says."
"Good boy," Chu Qiao hugged the boy, lightly breathing a low sigh. "In the future I hope you will remember the words you spoke today."
The fire crackled, and the boy was getting sleepy. Chu Qiao found a dry blanket and let Mo'er lie down on it. In a moment, she could hear the sound of the child's light snores.
Chu Qiao's expression was calm as she quietly watched the child sleep. In a flash she seemed to revert back to a time many years past, after that other massacre long ago, in that run down room with its roof leaking rainwater. Two pale faced youths with their wrinkled brows, spoke in lowered voices to one another, "We will live, regardless if it will be like dogs."
In the blink of an eye, already so many years have passed.
She picked up a branch and on the ground she wrote out a few words. It was a rather heavy pen and it seemed to exhaust all her effort.
Finally, she looked back and inspected the cave one last time, took one parting glance at the little boy, then with a deep breath, she left the cave with no intention of returning!
A horse's whinny sounded out, immediately followed by the horse's gallop amid the torrential rain.
Zhuge Yue soon returned, and he had even caught a rabbit. He smiled as he entered the cave, and just as he was about to speak, he immediately froze in place.
"Kid! Hey, kid!"
Zhuge Yue hurriedly woke the child, and Mo'er rubbed his eyes, looking at him with a sleepy expression, "Uncle."
Zhuge Yue's expression was a blue hue as he asked, "Where is Chu Qiao? Where is she?"
"Big Sister?" the child furrowed his little brow together, pointing at the place Chu Qiao had been sitting, and said, "Where is Big Sister, ah? Where is she?"
Zhuge Yue let go of him, took a few steps out of the cave and sure enough, one of the horses was gone.
"Uncle! There are words here!"
Upon hearing this Zhuge Yue hurried back, and only saw a few delicate and finely written words next to the fire. The imprint was very deep, leaving the impression of how complicated the writer's feelings were. (TN: The Chinese believe a person's handwriting gives away something about a person's feelings, just like in sword play, calligraphy is a means of depicting someone's state of mind.)
"I'm leaving, you don't have to look for me. I will not go back and throw away my life for revenge. Take good care of Mo'er."
At the very bottom of these words there was still one more line hastily scribbled in a messy hand, "Zhuge Yue, thank you."
Thank you? Thank you for what?
For sparing her life? Or was this sentiment referring to him rendering her aid while on the road? Or did she mean to thank him for taking care of this child?
Zhuge Yue let out an angered sound, and with one foot kicked aside the firewood he had so painstakingly gathered. Mo'er was a bit startled, and leaned away, not daring to come close.
Zhuge Yue took a large step forward, as if he wanted to run out of the cave.
"Uncle!" the child was truly afraid he would be left behind and called out loudly, "Where are you going?"
Right, where would he go? To chase after her? What right did he have?
Zhuge Yue suddenly smirked, then threw down the things he held in his hands. Standing in the empty space of the cave he looked up. Breathing low he whispered a taunt, "Zhuge Yue, you idiot!"
Outside the torrential rain fell. This rain was enough to even make the Chishui river flood again.
(TN: And here ends Zhuge Yue and Chu Qiao's first adventure. Notice how he called her by her real name? Yeah, me too. I thought about stopping here but I continued to translate the rest of the next scene because you might be as curious about Chu Qiao's state of mind when she left him as I was)
Chu Qiao ran her horse wildly through the rain, inside her mind was a complete blank and everything that happened was all lashed together. She was secretly berating herself, that she would be so stupid, but she had to see it with her own eyes before she could understand everything.
Her blood was suddenly hot, her eyes bright and her breaths short.
The sound of her horse's gallop rang wildly in the mountain wilderness.
The drizzly grey sky was like a sheet of ice. She didn't know how long she had been driving her horse, but then she finally saw the low lying valley.
Her body's strength seemed to instantaneously break away, and she sat atop her horse waiting and watching the empty valley. Her blood cooled bit by bit.
She dismounted and deep foot steps into the muddy water. Sure enough, she saw the body of Little Star again.
Two hours later, a new grave was erected and buried beneath it were three innocent lives.
Chu Qiao stood before the grave, and with a *shuaa* her blade was shoved into the ground beside it. Then, without heeding the mess and filth on the floor she knelt down.
"Little Star, I'm sorry."
In a low voice, a voice filled with powerless sorrow, she said, "Big Sister cannot avenge you." Her head then slammed onto the floor, causing a great splash in the muddy water. She just silently knelt there, her chest suddenly bursting with things she wanted to say, but she knew no matter what she said it would sound like perfect irony. Her hand gripped the dead grass on the floor, her expression firm but her tears gradually flowing forth. She didn't know whether she was crying for the death of the child, or whether she was crying because of something else.
"I'm sorry! I can't do it!"
Her voice was choked with sobs, but then she suddenly stood up, took a few tries to get back on her horse, and headed as quickly as her horse would go in the direction of Tan Jing.
It really should have been afternoon, but the sky was so dark, and there were pitch dark clouds weighing down the sky, practically making it difficult for people to breathe.
The wind blew through the woods, making a *hua, hua* sound as it did, and that gradually disappearing figure in the distance was attentively aware of everything, including that new little grave.
The wind and rain was cold and punishing, the fallen leaves fluttering down. With this cold and damp whether, when would it finally clear?
Translator's Notes: There is a short scene of Xiao Ce, prince of Bian Tang frantically escaping his immediate wedding with the fallen princess of DaXia, but it seemed rather comical and unrelated to the misery translated above so I didn't bother to put it in here.
This chapter was a denouement, considering I was half expecting her to see Yan Xun with her own eyes, but she just sat in the rain in an abandoned encampment. Still, she knew it was him, which is why she could not help Little Star take revenge.
Refer back to Yunsheng's blog to get the story of how Chu Qiao runs into Prince Li Ce on the road, and goes back to his capital so he could help cure her from the poison. There are many many chapters in which she spends time with Li Ce, and he shows her a different way of thinking about things. They man is a fop, but he is extremely intelligent and philosophical at the same time and with him Chu Qiao learns how to finally be at ease after all those years of nonstop tension and fighting. He reminds me a little of the Emperor from Saiunkoku Monogatari.
The next chapters I will translate have to do with her meeting Zhuge Yue once more before finally departing for Yan Bei.
The next chapters I will translate have to do with her meeting Zhuge Yue once more before finally departing for Yan Bei.
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